Four men were lost in a mountain.

When the blizzard started,

one man found a little cave and led the 3 to there.

They waited for the blizzard to end but

it kept going on .

They had enough equipment but was not enough for the camp of several weeks.

A man weeped.

Everyone wanted to cry too.

He was kind of a man who represents everyone's emotion.

The other three started fretting.

A guy stopped counting the can of food and said,

"Let's move to another cave while he's sleeping.

We don't have enough food to keep this useless man alive."

They did not want to do that,

but they had no reason to keep the useless man alive.

They moved.

He was left.


The new cave was deeper but very cold even thought they set fire.

A man noticed wind blows in the cave.

The next day,he got sick.

He was a very sensitive kind of man.

A man looked outside and came back to the food counter man.

"I found a better place to hide. Let's move to there while this sick weak man is sleeping."

They moved.

The sick man was left.


Two man came to the new cave.

Blizzard never stopped.

The two survivors became more depressed and nervous.

but now,whining or watching around in the cave was a taboo for them.

As a result,they became more emotional and irrational.

They started suspecting each other if either one of them escape with the rest of food.

Food counter said,

"It was your idea to climb a mountain in this season.It's your fault."

The other man fretted but realized a fact.

"If I kill the food counter now,nobody will know it."

then he followed his inspiration.

He dragged the dead body of the food counter out of the cave.

Now he was the only survivor.

He sat in the cave.

Outside looked like a huge white screen because of the blizzard.

then he noticed something but didn't know how to described it.

It felt like sad,

he maybe felt cold,

he might not have enough food left.

but he wasn't sure about anything.

He looked back.

He had not explored deeper of the cave.

It was a complete dark.

Nothing was clear for him.

Everything was taboo for him.


He kept staring at the dark countless times.

However,every time he tries to step toward,

he got to cry for the fear,

didn't even know where he stands,

sure he could not assume what's in it for him logically.

He became back to be a 5 years old boy all by himself.

Few weeks later,he was acting like an animal in the cave.

His consciousness was so degenerated that he could not even recognize himself.

He was eaten by the dark and only the empty intuition was left.

Since I decided to write a thing seriously,
ironically I can't write as much as before.
There are a lot of ideas in my head,but I can't write it down.
Why ?
Because I'm too serious.
I'm scared of self criticism.

This can be applied for variety of your activities in your daily life.
You go too strict for your own behavior and stop yourself trying to take a risk
to step further.

When you are a baby,you had everything.
You had nothing to be scared.
but as you grow,your parents discipline you.
Your school,your friends,your circumstances implant those ideas in your head.

At the end,you are full of frustration but can't get out of the jail.

This is why some artists drink.
I take meds.
To kill our inner supervisor.
They say Johnny Depp drink wine when he acts in a movie.
You need to be sober to be inspired and keep ideas in your head.
but when it comes to release it,you need to be a little "drunk".

You had everything when you were a child.
As you grow up,you keep losing and losing and losing.
Geographically,your world expands but your actual potential keeps shrinking.
At first,you must admit the fact.
then you must regain what you have lost.
You have to forget about what you are taught.

Whether they notice it by themselves or not,
they give it up themselves and try to make their children
take over what they wanted to do.
and they start discipling their children.
This is how history repeats itself.

Since last January,it's been an inner journey to me.
That was a complete coincidence that I met a book about primitive Buddhism.
Though my kindergarten was Buddhism,I haven't been a religious person.
but I found the monks even less religious than me.
The book was thin,but it gave me so much influences.
They say,everything is illusion.
You see a flower. but the fact is not that there is a flower.
The fact is that you think you see a flower.
Because you think the illusion is the reality,you feel anxiety and have any kinds of the mental disorder.
They say,Buddha said past has passed.Future hasn't come.Only present exists.At this very moment,you are alright.
so you don't need to worry about anything.
That reminded me of "I think,therefore I am." and Zeno's paradox as well.

As I was studying about them more,I came across the way of meditating,which is called Vipassana.
It is to observe what you are doing every moment.The purpose is to let you realize your thoughts or your feelings have nothing to do with your very self.
To study about meditation more,I got to learn a Japanese modern way of meditating,which is based on brain science.
I easily learnt how to get to nirvana state in that way.

That was also a complete coincidence that I came across the word of "trickster".
I've been interested in native american's legends. In one of their legend,I found the word.
As I googled the word,I got to C.G.Jung's study for collective sub consciousness.
Through learning his studies,I started to find similarities among Buddhism,Christianity and Islam.
They are all in search of self.They are only the difference of how to describe it.
Unrecognized fear or impulse comes out of the subconsciousness.
They are described as demon.Jesus is you to struggle in the very limited function of the consciousness.
Holy spirit is your intention to be good.Mary is your anima.

For another coincidence,I had a lot of the chances to see nice movies.
I found so many symbols in those movies too.
In fight club,Edward Norton is your ego threatened by his own sub consciousness which has been oppressed for a long time in his past life.
Brad Pitt is the symbol of his oppressed sub consciousness. It came up to the consciousness through the image of anima,who was Helena Bonham Carter.
They have a serious fight at the end. That means a inner conflict to unite your own minds.

In most of the movies,it starts from a stable state.and something happens and good man and bad man fight.
Through the hard conflict,the situation becomes totally new and glorious again.
This is a metaphor of an ideal life. Why ideal ? because so many people want to avoid the inner conflict and give in the unbalanced state between the consciousness and sub consciousness.
In some primitive tribes have custom of initiation.It's a symbol of this inner conflict.
but actually,it mustn't be a fight.You always have their revenge of sub consciousness.What's important is to recognize yourself feeling so.
Only by knowing and facing the each side of yourself,you can become your true self.
Self is what western religions define as God,is also what Eastern religions define as Tao or Nirvana or something like that.
Eschatology comes from their anticipation of death. Death is the end of everything.
The end of your self,ego,consciousness and the world that you recognize.That's the ultimate end.
Religions are projection of those inner facts and so are stories.

When I should be the happiest ,some part of me feels sad and uncomfortable sometimes.
I used to think that is my true/honest feelings. but those happy and sad feelings come together.
Good and evil must exist in your mind at the same time,to take balance. That is symbolized by god and demon.
You can't kill neither of them. All we could do is just to recognize both feelings and that should be enough.

I haven't met my doctor for about 6 weeks.In these 6 weeks,I became aware that my weak point is handling my emotion.
I got to become able to observe how I'm feeling like watching a screen.
Sat down on the chair.I was still like a stone.Contrarily,he looked so uneasy.
He kept on talking and talking to hide his own insecure feelings.
I stared at him. He was trying so hard to be a good doctor.

Jung said,when you are getting through the struggling,you can't help accepting some changes of your personality.
That will cause your relationships with others to change as well. That will be another challenge that you must get through.
In the long lonely road,you must believe in yourself,which they call God.
I believe in myself,but it doesn't mean I'm self centered,not even religious.
but I think this is the essence of every religion.

I think language was invented to exchange different information from one to one.

Sometimes it's about where the food is,and sometimes it's about a different thought of someone.

Communication therefore can not be done if they are too alike.

I recently noticed people make themselves a different opinion

to let the communication go on.

Communication contains talking,competing,and fight in this context.

One interesting point is,

it's not 2 unique ideas come before the communication.

It's a communication before the 2 unique ideas.

so the communication rules.

We often see a couple fight each other for the most pointless matters.

They used to be going well.

but because they went too good,

they needed to invent a difference to communicate.

and unfortunately,the communication fell into a negative side,a fight.


However,similar situation can be observed anywhere.

She ordered beer,so I order wine.

Google features white so Microsoft chooses blue.


so here we can see 2 results.

One,you become different intentionally to keep the communication rolling on.
and the communication started from the initial difference.
so communication and difference improve mutually.

Second,you can not be too different. You can not order a car even though she ordered beer.
It must be similar to an extent.This is how a "market" is made.

The bigger the initial difference is,the bigger the first session of the communication becomes.

so the following difference is required to be as big as the initial one so the second session of the communication

can keep the same scale.

Maybe this is how a civilization was built up.

As I'm watching my turtles,

I wonder if I should release them or not.

They have not gone out of the cases for about 18 years.

I don't think they know how to hunt or hibernate.


but more serious problem is

why I am thinking about that.


I always want to do something right.

I always want to be good.

This could be called instinct of human beings.

However,we are not given the sense to tell what's good and what's not good.

Even murder is justified in war.


We invent purposes.

To earn money,

To live long,

To grow up,

To love,

etc

but they all seem to be cheap substitutions

for the question,

what's good ?

Everyone wants to be good,in their world.

but nobody knows why,and what is that "goodness".


In my university,we are taught it's self-realization.

but what's to realize ?

I want to do this today.

I wanted to do that yesterday.

Maybe I will want to do something different tomorrow.

Nobody knows.

There is still the question in a different shirt.

Asserting something is dangerous too.

They act like they already know the answer.

so they can feel so advantaged.

but that's just from their complex.


Sometimes they think they already know what it is.

sometimes it's allah,

sometimes it's family,

sometimes it's career.

Positively or passively,they attack people who doubt it,

because they WANT to believe that is the answer.

They don't like them to question it so they have to face the truth.


All the agony comes from this fact.

We all want to be good

but don't know what's good.

It's funny that

attempts not to think about anything

are becoming an industry recently.

Some people call it Yoga.

Some people call it meditation.

There are various of the names for it,

but they try to do the same thing.

"Think about nothing."

Why is it so difficult ?

I don't know.

I always try to do it too,

but that's really hard.

It should be the easiest thing to do in cost benefit balance wise,

but mental things don't seem to work like accountings.

I'm aware of myself feeling concerned or excited about something all the time and

it wastes me out.

but I feel scared of having NOTHING in the center of the mind.

I call the center of the mind "crown".

You can not help having something in the crown.

You are scared,annoyed,excited or even happy because of something in the crown.

It looks like you do want to have something there to feel scared or annoyed or something.

Even if there is nothing to feel,

you are so eager to find out something to put in the crown.

Everyone's a genius when it comes to inventing what to put in the crown.

My old friend went to a meditation training in Thailand.

It's a temple to deliver meditation course called Vipassana.

It was so hot and humid.

My friend told a monk that they can not concentrate on the meditation because it's crazy hot.

The monk said,if it's not hot,it will be something else.


After a long hard effort,I sometimes manage to have nothing in the crown.

then I see so many of me s having the same root in the crown.

Me in anger.

Me in anxiety.

Me in agitation.

etc..

like petals of a flower.

The motif of mandala might be from this observation.

Something makes us completely different from the rest of us.

One can see through the other one but

the other one does not even know what it means to see through.

It is like a third eye.

Some people have it,but some people don't.

Some people can see better than other people.

I don't know what it is.

I don't think there is a definition about it.

I don't even know if that's a common understanding about us,

but it exists.

If you feel empty when you talk to someone,

this matter might be involved.

In my daily life,

I call them human beings who can see through.

and I ignore the rest of them.

They say 7 billion people in the world

but actual human beings are so rare.

If I have my own company,

I will write

Only human beings

for the recruitment information.


Since there is no definition about it,

I can not mention the name of the sense or something.

but I can describe what it is in a short story.

Say,there are 2 men talking.

One says,

"I'm a desk worker,I exercise too little.

I decided to take a walk everyday."

There are 2 ways of answering to this comment.

One is to be positive,like

"Oh that is good to take a walk.Walking is good for your health" etc..

and the other option is to be negative,like

"haha just walking? sounds like a granda." etc..

Whichever you choose,if you are aware that there are 2 ways of answering,

you are human being.

If you are not ,you are not a human being.

Human beings have a view over the conversation.

They see the map from above and they see themselves walking on it.

The rest of people move like an ant walking on the ground.

They never know there is something like a map of the conversation.

They react,and they that's everything for them.


This is not what you are taught at school.

and it's not exactly what they call intelligence.

I know some people to share this sense.

Conversations with those people are very smooth and always inspiring.

They are not always the closest friends but stay in touch with each other somehow.

I think that's because their sub consciousness know they are rare species

so that's important not to lose each other.

There are 3 kinds of people in the world.

One is who's dedicated to what they love and loved by everyone for it.

One is who's dedicated to what they love and nobody cares for it.

One is who's afraid of being like the second one and do what they are not even interested in.

The share is like 5%,5%,90% seemingly.


I recently noticed that I can't get into the third category,so I have to do what I love to do after all.

What I love / can't help doing is to think.

I think.

That's why I write like this but writing is different from thinking.

Thoughts come altogether.

Multiple of thoughts may come at once like music played by a band.

but context doesn't allow me to follow multiple thoughts at once.

That is a challenge for me to represent what I think.

Every individual of us is a function of the society.

Apart from what you can do,you are totally limited.

If you need hassle to do something,you shouldn't do that ,I think.

As the result,if you die in poverty,that's what you must accept.

However if you have common sense,you won't be that troubled.

I'm trying to cheering up myself,and everyone in a similar situation.

I don't have that strong interests and talent in technology.

I don't have a connection to the powerful people.

but being yourself and being recognizable matters.

I like music.

In an interview in 90s,

Iggy Pop said he has a complex not to be able to sing like Axl Rose.

However,in the cover album of GNR titled Spaghetti incident,

they cover a song of Iggy Pop and Axl is trying to sing like him.

Axl can't make the best of his voice in Iggy's song.

and he sounds more like Iggy Pop.

Even if your style is not in the trend,you must be proud of having your own style.

Keep your style,and just sophisticate it.


Especially on the internet,you are easily compared by views or amount of the traffic.

So many people try to be like everyone else kills their own way.

That looks just miserable and such a waste of someone's own life as well.

A drop is falling from a needle,

slowly.

In the meantime ,he can only be released .


A cabbage butterfly flew to the front window.

It died and shrank because of the heat.

A man got off the car.

He stepped to his mental clinic,

on the burning asphalt,

under the sun.


"It doesn't work,Dr."

"To prescribe stronger medicine,I must ask you to sign on this. "

The paper says,the patient will take any responsibility for having the medicine.

He signed on it.

He needed reassurance.


The bar was in the first basement of the building where he used to work.

2 months ago,he had his co-worker injured and was laid off.

He opened the door.

It became silent.

"Hey you get out."

A guy yelled at him.

"No,no worries.I'm cured.See."

He made a smile and raised both hands.

"I'm still in treatment but I don't hear the endless calls of the clients,rants of our boss.

I don't lose my temper for any reason."

"Even if we don't believe you ?" the man replied.

He replied with a laughter.

Good memories came back.

Fun time with his old friends.

Bad memories were hidden by the medicine.

He was not agitated.

He was not aggressive.

He became back to be who he was

before he started working for the company.

A woman said,

"Can you please give me the contact of the doctor? I think I really need his help.can't take the shits anymore."

After spending a short but good time ,

his friends left the bar.

He finished a glass and headed to the doorway.

At that moment,

a waitress passed by in front of him,

slowly.

Before he noticed he lost his temper,

he grabbed her blonde.

Beer glasses fell on the floor,

slowly.

She was dragged down to the floor,

again and again.

Someone tried to stop him,

but he didn't stop

even after he had his face look like a mass of gout.


Court declared he had a sense of judgement.

He was convicted of capital crime by lethal injection.


A drop came out into the tube.

He remembered the cabbage butterfly.

The drop grew.

He wondered why he didn't turn on the wiper to keep it away.

It fell,

slowly.

Malcom was a Chinese American.

His dad died in Iraq when he was 10 years old.

He was living with his mom.

They were happy but not so rich.

They were supported by neighbors or friends,mentally and financially.

He played guitar.

He sang too.

He liked Ne-yo,2Pac,Usher or Bob Dylan and Bob Marley.

It was when the economic bubble was ended in China,

conflict between China and USA was getting worse and worse.

One day,he uploaded his song on youtube.

His friends and his mom saw it and said that was great to him.

He kept writing his songs and kept on uploading on youtube.

His exotic looking and strong lyrics on R&B sound attracted young listeners who were looking for the true sound.

When he uploaded his 50th song,his total view was over 150,000,000 times.

When he made the first contract with a record company,he was only 15 years old.

When his 1st album,"American Democracy",was released,he started his world tour.

It went all successful.Media admired him "The new talent of the new world."

However,it didn't end here.He donated all his money to African aid and poor class of American people.

He was admired like Jesus.His mascot marked 5,000USD on eBay.

He kept on receiving various of offers,but turned down the one from Hollywood.

That rumor spread all over the world.

He was treated as a thought leader,charisma of the charisma.

His followers on twitter went over 50,000,000 and still kept going up.

facebook had to prepare a special server system only for Malcom.

He thought he didn't need money.

He just liked music and wanted a little bit of attention.That was all that he expected.

However,the more moderate he became,the more charismatic he became.

On his 5th world tour,Dalai Lama's messenger came to the concert to celebrate his 20th birthday.

His mom was looking at him from the back stage.

The new age Jesus received flower from Dalai Lama.

The heat of the audience got the peak.

Tens of thousand audience tried to get close to the stage.

Security recommend to cancel the rest of the stage but Malcom turned it down.

He walked to the edge of the stage and tried to shake hands with his fan.

At that time,his fans pulled him down from the stage.

Tens of thousand people got to one 20 years old boy and

tried to have his holy chunk.

The last thing Malcom remembered was someone took off his shoes.

Crowd became a huge hungry beast.

His shout disappeared in the chaos.

That was nothing but a cannibalism.

They wanted everything of him.

People made up their hero and tried to absorb its power by eating.

and nothing was left.

Stadium was shut down and all the audience were sent to the hospital.

Some audience died too.


This is a story about heroism.

This is a story of cannibalism.

Even if Einstein didn't say,Nation is the biggest hypnosis that everyone has,but it's really difficult to notice you're hypnotized,

it is too obvious that country and border is nothing but illusion.

Every time they criticize Obama or Australian government about the flood victims,

I get shocked.

I get shocked to know that fact that there are still so many people who try to believe in governments.

Company exists to earn the profit.

School exists to teach.

Hospital exists to cure.

but government is more complicated and similar to individual.

They exist for themselves.

They live not to die.

You know that you pay tax but you'll get nothing back.

RATM said,everything for everyone,nothing for ourselves.

but that's nothing to be surprised or shocked.

It's been obvious since decades ago.

Stop being romantic.

They don't do anything for you.

You're paid,and you pay the tax not to be lynched.

That's all.

Don't expect them anything,invest your property into something safe,like gold or something,

make an insurance contract with a private company.

Keep yourself healthy.

When they send you a letter to go to the war,just shred it and escape it to a mountain.

Say,someone missiles to my next town.

but next town is not me.

That means,I was not attacked.

and imagine how the missile was launched.

The lowest class of soldier was commanded by a fat supervisor and he maybe had to press the button for his family.

Government is powerless.It's there.That's all.

Just pay tax and forget.

Let's think about how to earn more.

Everybody is to play his role.

The problem is ,sometimes you notice the fact by mistake.

My granda was an old Japanese man.

I mean,he was strict and almost abused his son,my dad.

He got an OCD.

My grand parents used to tell him off for some of his weird action,they say.

like he blew his hands after he washed his hands etc..

The experience of being oppressed too much made him a complex.

When it's good,it motivates him.

but as he gets old and his mental strength becomes weak,it demotivates the people around him.

Acting a drama,they all see the vanity of his.

His employees,his clients,they all left.

Domestically,his personality became more hysteric.

That causes his wife,my mom to be more opinionated.

My dad thinks his wife to be a devil.

His wife thinks about divorce but since she's too used to luxury ,she can not do anything out of his shelter anymore.


My granda was totally a different person to his grand child,to me.

He gave me a lot.

but when I turned to be 10,he gave me just a calendar,not like huge amount of the toys and allowance.

I was supposed to act tantrum and he was supposed to tell me off to make me independent.

but I said,haha this is last years.

My cousins were stupid. They acted exactly as they were expected,and got oppressed.

10 years later,one of them got alcoholic and got a traffic accident. got a memory problem.

The other cousin got a baby and her husband escaped immediately.


My uncle and aunt on my mother's side didn't have a baby for some reason.

so they gave me a lot too.

I was supposed to call them to show my appreciation every Xmas and my birthday.

That was nothing but torturing to act as if I was excited about the presents.

One day,I changed the tone of voice for a change.I thought variety is spice of life,but

they thought I wasn't happy with their presents and send me more presents.


Now I don't keep in touch with them anymore.

I have acted my best to them for about 10 or 15 years,I'd rather be paid.

When I went to school,other kids looked like intelligently challenged.

but in PE class,I looked simply like a challenged person.Maybe I am actually challenged.

so I could be bullied by other kids.

then I invented an art to enhance my character by acting extreme.

I managed to confuse them,who I am.

I learn things fast beyond their understanding.

but I can't even play baseball,which is beyond their understanding.

and I act extreme.

I managed to break,or at least enhance the shell of my role.


The trick was useful until I went to University.

However,there was almost no PE class in Uni.

so my mayhem strategy didn't work.

I felt so awkward at there.

After graduation,only my extreme performance sticked out and nobody understood me anymore.

I was thrown away to the universe.

That's why I've been struggling to have my own money source but it hasn't gone well so far.

I don't care whoever you are,what your social role is.

but better do your best.

Even a child sometimes see through who you are.


I wrote it pretty personally.

I'm not meant to broadcast myself to everyone.

I only hope some people can share the feeling.

I hope it will help you to recognize your inner conflict.

Recently it's supposed to be trendy

to talk about how great internet is.

Twitter,facebook,google and ipad were supposed to have changed our lives.

A couple of days ago ,I posted a TED speech on my facebook .

The speaker said we are more connected and the connection is connected to all over the world.

She even said,if you visualize it,the network looks organic.

Back in 90s,Clinton made up the word "globalization".

Countries are forced to compete with each other.

It's an economic war.

Googlers say,"population density of an office" is important.

and they spend a huge sum of money on their inhouse jungle gym and whatever.

To recap,

it's fast,wide,and fun.

You are supposed to be fast and worldwide and fun to be creative.

However,let's look back our history without a pride and prejudice.

Our world wide trade had bigger share in GDP of every developed countrie before WWW1.

Internet might be fast.but what do we actually talk ?

Most of the most innovative service of google were bought by M&A.

Those innovations were born in smaller and kind of isolated companies.

See youtube,see keyhole.


I am not that romantic.

Yes,our communication is spreading all around the world,and it's becoming faster and faster.

We are supposed to live with twitter and facebook and iphone etc..

but the more we are connected,the more important it gets to be detached.

We expect internet to be faster and easier,because we want to get it done quicker.

Team work is where you play a catch ball of responsibility.

You know you come up with good ideas when you are in shower or in a toilet.

From my experience,the best state of communication is when you don't even need to talk.

Have you seen a good music band texting to each other to decide who goes to the next solo part ?

No matter how much technology is improved,you have to be detached from the crowd and need to sink in yourself to think a thing.

What you upload onto facebook was made when you are offline.

We can't forget about the fact.

It looked like desert without horizon.

A woman got a seat in front of me.

I was standing in the bus.

I see this woman every morning,every evening.

Her face looked like a death mask under the pale light of the bus.

She furrowed her brow,looked down,but I saw her pores.

I needed to keep myself distracted,

and I remembered the drama DVD that my parents lent me.

I quit watching it in the first 5 seconds,

because the main character was supposed to be a genius.

He will not die,he will win.The end.

I didn't know why anyone needs to watch it.

I looked up.

An advertisement was on the window.

That was to sell a house.

It says,a financial expert will give me a financial advice.

The only right advice that anyone could give me is Don't buy it.

Is there anything else ?

Owing a house used to be a status.

Status was a symbol of their hard working.

Owing a house was everything.

I'm jealous about those old people being that simple.

World must be so beautiful for them.


I remembered my report in my uni.

I wrote drug is the only way to be happy.

but I was wrong.

You need stomach medicine too.


The reason why I go to a mental doctor is to take advantage of being a sick person.

You can tell that he had his leg injured,

but nobody can tell if he is crazy or not.

and as I expected,the doctor diagnosed me the crazy.

Ker-ching! He got a new patient.

My assumption that there is nobody uncrazy was turned out to be right.

A nurse looked almost like the woman in front of me.


This woman again.

I wasted 5 seconds to wonder why she looks so doomed.

That's obviously because she is one of everyone,and today is a day of everyday.

and if you are happy now,you'll have to be happier tomorrow.

that means you were less happy the day before.


They are stressed to be consumed,

and they are stressed to consume.

The image of a snake of biting its own tale came up in my mind.

However,as Jung said it's a motif of death and rebirth.

I remembered what someone said to me before.

Early psychology was inspired by the study of pesticide.

They studied how pesticide kills roaches.

The behavior of dying cockroaches affected early psychology.


I seemed angry.

I thought that anger was from my complex.

What would be my complex ?

oh,that's in front of me.

I don't have a seat.

She however gets off before me.

I'm supposed to monopolize this bus then.

I needed a shower.

Story tellers sometimes know what human is

better than scientists.

Johann Von Goethe , Shakespeare , George Bernard Shaw ,

they all know about humanity deeper than modern people.

In the movie titled "Munich" ,

Steven Spielberg gave each main character

very individual role,like a personality of an actual human.

They are organized as a hit team by Israel government.

They introduce themselves like

"I shoot."

"I research."

"I worry."

etc..


I think that's pretty much like inside of an actual human.

It's balanced by many different functions.

In this movie,

only 2 men survived and they had mental disorder.

They needed a balance.


I listen to music.

3 famous rock bands here.

The Rolling Stones , Aerosmith , and Guns and Roses.

There is one thing in common among those 3 bands seemingly.

When the guitarist takes its initiative ,

they make great albums.

Exile on the main street,

Rocks,

Appetite for destruction.

Vocalist is the leader of all those bands.

They are always pressured to make sales.

Contrarily,guitarist is hidden from the pressure and

can concentrate on making music.

Those 3 bands are like 3 individual people consist of each member.

Since multiple people can work like an individual person ,

this fact shows the importance of the shadow as a guitarist.



I have seen so many people who want to be like those rock bands above,

or Mark Elliot Zuckerberg or google,

but not so many people are successful to follow them.

I heard someone trying to sing like Marilyn Manson at Karaoke.

That was a disaster.


People become jealous for what they don't have.

People love someone for what they don't have.

The tragedy is,

they are attracted by those stars

for what they don't have.

They follow a wrong person.

There is nobody to follow.

Let your shadow take initiative.

It's in yourself,nobody else.

A man asked me ,"Did you go to somewhere in your vacation ?"

I replied ,"No,I stayed at home.Nowhere 's worth to go."

He said ,"If you think anywhere is fun,that's fun don't you know ?"

I thought then if you think your home is fun,you find it fun to stay at home ,asshole. and I left.

I haven't hung around for about a year.

Haven't even gone somewhere for leisure,

because I don't think it's fun.

Let's be honest to ourselves.

Is a party fun for you ?

Is a movie fun ?

How about TV ?

You may find it fun for the first time,

and you try to recapture that feeling after the 3rd time or 4th time don't you ?


I decided to shut myself in the house and force myself to see

what makes me feel so.

I force myself to face this fact.


Someone said,I'm too negative.

The person travels around in the world,

having a fulfilled life

with insomnia.


The person tried to oppress the true feeling

and something took a revenge against it.


I don't know what it is.


I wait for a weekend to come,

but I don't have anything to do.


I'm trying to see something in the dark.


Some people say,

"The secret is"

to keep your TV out of the bed room or

to have sunshine in the morning or

to talk to as many people as you can.


but I can see them writhing in agony.

It's not the answer.


People in north hemisphere like to go to tropical resorts.

They say it's good to go for a change.

Luckily or unluckily,when I was a child,

my parents were kind of successful so they took me to those places for a couple of times,

but that's enough.

It was enough to know that's nothing but an escape.

If they stay in Bali for 1 month,

they spend the first 2 weeks to forget about their work

and spend the rest 2 weeks to be depressed being pressured by work.

The end.

It's not a solution at all.

People who live in a resort places

live in even worse circumstances than us.

There is nobody happy.


The man who got the world , Bill Gates

donates billions of dollars.

He is one of us who writhes in agony.


My parents are finally facing the problem

now that their business is not going well.

They used to have reasons to keep them distracted

because they were busy.

However,the time has come to them

to seriously think

why they were married ,what they have done

and what they live for.

Robert Rubin said,

"Even if you become rich,something that made you want to become rich

will still remain there."


I see some people facing this matter in their 20s.

They sometimes go back to school,

they sometimes go on a trip,

they sometimes get married.

I decided to tackle it

to show you the pieces of my soul.

I hope you can see your own reflection.


Charles Bukowski said,

"Life is ugly as it looks.

but you feel like you can put up with another couple of days,don't you ?"

Yes,I do.

and that's what Buddha said too.

Someone killed her dad and ate it in a stew.

Someone raped her daughter with other family members and had her make some babies.

I was shocked and disappointed at humanity by the news.

I think the point is,why ?

That's not "why they did that cruel things".

That's "why I got shocked".

Cannibalism can be seen in a swan group.

Hamsters make babies within a family.

Maybe,my view over the humanity is wrong.

If you have tried meditation,it may be easier to understand this.

Meditation is the process to calm down yourself.

However,even in the state of nirvana,you still see a little tiny noise in your mind.

You end up dragging yourself out of nirvana in the process of vanishing the noise.

You can make it as close to zero as possible,but it never disappear.

Problem is always there.

It comes from the conflict of your inner world and the outside world.

You think like your friends.

Your friends think like you.

You have your inner world and that's as large as the outside world.

Every inner world of everyone affects one outside world.

As a result,it is a complex web of interactions,where causal laws can never be useful.

You therefore always suffer from the difference between your inner world and the outside world,which they call a reality.

I dare to say,the Hannibal Lecter woman or the crazy rapers are not the problem.

The problem is you / me who think that's a problem.

Because they actually,and secretly know that

we find their deed problem,

they are excited and motivated.

Sure,they must be sheltered from the rest of the world,

but if we don't think that's a problem,that's not a problem.


I saw a youtube video to complain about how chaos it is a bus is.

Babies cry loud,mothers don't care.

Let's put on a head phone.

then you 'll complain about the music or the fitting of the head phone.

We never be out of the reasons to complain about.

If you keep cutting down the bottom 10 % ,

you won't have anything to complain about finally,

but you won't be alive either.

A tree does not move,

but it grows actually.

There are two types of the time.

Time that you can sense,

and time that you can not sense.

The later one is more important.

When you say

time flies,

it sounds like you missed something important.

This time is the later time.


Modern education system was invented to

produce the mass of the factory workers.

Input the sons and daughters of farmers

and it outputs factory workers,who are used to

repeating the same thing,

being ruled by chime(=time) and their supervisors,

keeping themselves as similar as possible to someone next to him.


However now,most of the developed countries don't depend on the second industry.

School as a human factory is becoming important less and less.

and the problem is not only in the whole concept.

You can find a problem in each subject too.


You are taught history,

what has been happening since 5000 years ago or something.

Yes,that's important to know.esp we are not supposed to repeat WWW2.

However,what's really important is future.

It's not what they have done.

It's what you will do.

Sometimes history makes us feel we are on the top/edge of it,

but what's more important is

what you will do in the next 10 minutes,tomorrow,and next year.

so knowing what you want to do matters.

History class has been successfully killing our imagination historically.

In other word,we are a good consumer of the history,

but actually we must be a good maker of the future.


We are not on the edge of time.

We are in the bottom of future.

I feel stronger connection with an actually living person in US than Japanese 50 years ago.


After learning the world history of 5000 years,

did you find out what you want to do in the next 5 minutes ?

Can you even imagine it ?

I know how to abort your ideas.

Now "creative" seems to be a hot word.

I see the slogan "How to be creative" everywhere,like in a bookstore or on the internet.

There are a lot of the people who want to be rich,who want to be the next Mark Zuckerberg or Steve Jobs.

I don't know anything about those things,and you can't see if the idea was good or not before you realize it.

but I do know how to kill your ideas.

Get a paper,write it down what's on your mind.

Organize them like to-do list.

If you want to disappoint yourself once again,just add as much details as possible.

Then successfully your idea is dead.

If you don't want to kill it,just don't write it down.

Plant your idea seeds in your mind and let them there.

If it gives your sub consciousness an impact,it will keep coming up in your mind.

Like trees or grass are twisted to each other,

some of your ideas will be combined,mixed and grow up

while your consciousness are not looking at them.

They say,it's good to do creative works during the morning.

so I cast the seeds while it's in the morning.

However,since my head is not too big so I need to trim them off sometimes,

so I can move on.

I therefore write it down to crop the ideas.

I do it after I take some SSRI and low down the level of my consciousness.

One of the meds takes about 1 hour to shut down my intelligent function,

so having to get it down before it runs through my vein makes me focus too.

It's like making myself doped in truth drug to write a thing.

I do it to weaken my self-criticism.

My parents and gramma were strict and conservative.

and my school was Catholic.

They all live in my frontal lobe as my superego.

I need to kill them to free my harvests.

Ideas are not industrial materials.

They are more organic,and sometimes they have something like its own personality.

More agricultural way sometimes works better.

I would like to use "0" to show the picture is not photoshopped.

It can be put on a corner of the photo,or simply write "0" on a comment box.

Whatever,some people,including me,are really annoyed by today's situation that

everywhere's full of photoshop pictures.

It's rather harder to find pictures unprocessed.

Company PR department publishes fake photos like BP.

There is NO raw photos in cosmetics industry.

Everyone resents themselves being "real" and tries to twist their true existence.

We don't know what to believe. We don't even know what is true.

I know photoshop is useful and can be a real tool for artists.

However recently,there is too much lies and they all look so real.

Even if it's hard to tell photoshop,we can prove it's not processed.

I would love to offer to put "0" on the photograph or somewhere recognizable

and prove it's true.

Even if it's only a touch of air brush,it's fake,therefore it's not "0".

Photos with "0" mark is 100% trustworthy truth.

I hope you will sympathize with this concept and help me spread it somehow.

I will put "0" from my very next art works.

Thank you for reading this.

Grab your left hand with your right hand.

Push your right hand toward your left hand.

You're tired.and going nowhere.

Waste exists here.

I woke up with my face hurting.I was furrowing my brow so hard.

I was just about to shoot someone,and I was both of them,just like the last scene of fight club.

Just when I left my dream,the man without a gun said,when you are punishing a criminal,you are one of the criminals.

Your consciousness and sub consciousness conflict often.

I'm bad at dealing with my own emotion.

so I tend to have someone close for a substitution of my emotional function.

When I have a problem with the person,it triggers self conflict between my intuition side and weak emotional side.

I waste my energy to produce nothing.

This is how I'm demotivated.

It can be wasted.

Motivation,money,time,relationship,environment,

anything can be wasted.and it's from someone's inner conflict sometimes.

I see people going for shopping to wrap themselves with expensive mass of cloths.

I see people going for down south and try to stick to alohae shirts even after the vacation.

I see people willing to marry to anyone just to get out of the depressive feelings.

but as we already know,they are going nowhere.

There's nothing good or bad.

Goodness and evilness co exist.

When it's unbalanced,it's bad whether goodness or evilness wins.

You drink alcohol,you take drugs,you go on a vacation.

You read books "to be inspired".

but you 'll have to pay the price sooner or later

to get to nowhere.

Time is changing.

It used to be
Time is money.

but now it's more true that
Click is money.

Doing something on the internet means,how to get more traffic.
Sometimes it's sad to see everything is measured based on
how much traffic it got.
It seems like a populism.
but there is also a bright side of it.
Click is equal whoever you are.
Even if you are a homeless with wifi,
even if you are a terrorist,
even if you are student or a president,
your click is just one click.
and click is done in an instance so as I said at the beginning,
time is losing its value more and more.
Time is dead.

but our new god,"click" doesn't always love what is really good.
I've found a lot of talented artists or bloggers online
and they are not paid much attention.
I hope they keep at it and don't rape their own style
just to get more attention of the new god.
It makes them miserable.

In the new economy of the clicks,
I think we should care about what they call
"Web property"

Property used to be
land,gold,or cash.
but web property must be much more important than it has ever been.

I don't even think it has been considered as a property.
I supposed web property should be contents of your blogs or webpages.
Internet won't disappear for the rest of the history though it will keep changing its form.
Those contents therefore will remain somewhere forever.
and the value of the property must be defined in a totally different way from our traditional property.

Say,a blog post,can be copied and pasted easily no matter how strict the copy right law becomes.
but sometimes it makes sense in a certain context.
and it might have to be on the page of someone special.
so the context of the post will save the property.

Internet is the most universal thing in the world but web property is the least universal thing in the world.
It should be very similar to land.
but blog post can be connected to the personality of the writer etc..so it will be more difficult and complicated to
evaluate the value.

Considering the uniqueness of web property,
we can see the very ironical situation.
Everyone is equal in the God of click.
but web property is very onymous and unique.

I've seen a "news article" to say
someone found the friendster account of Mark Elliot Zuckerberg.
It was made only 5 or 6 years ago,but because of the success of facebook,and the fact that nobody really uses friendster anymore,
and so many other "because of"s,the news article can be a news article and earn a lot of clicks.
The "because of" is the context. and the friendster account can never be replaced by any other things.

It was a long time ago when everybody shouted "new economy".
It seems to have died even before nobody understood.
and the new new economy,which consists of click and web property
might be valuable enough to be invested.

When I was having shower, I cleared my throat.
then I noticed I sounded so much like my mom.

She smokes a lot so her voice is low and rough like a man.

I wonder how much we can be ourselves.
This is a question about our free will too.

My earliest memory was when I was washed in a bowl.
All the people were wearing masks and I saw pale blue curtains.

They say it was when I was 1 or 2 month old ?
I don't know because I haven't had a baby,but they say it's almost impossible to remember.
Whether you believe it or not,I remember since when I was really young.
then my parents didn't have more kids so I am an only child.
and they are Japanese and the hospital was in Tokyo,
so I am Japanese.
They gave me what they thought I needed.
I was raised to be their projection of their complex.
I was their reflection of the weakness.
Like trying to fill a hole in their soul,
they kept giving me toys,stationaries,clothes,video games ,and money
as if I wanted them.
I was so sick and tired of acting as if I was happy to have it all.
What actually attracted me was collecting insects or lizards.
and they thought ,ok,it's time to train him to be more independent !
then while I didn't catch up with anything,
I was labelled to be a spoiled brat.
They say,that was all for love.
but actually their deeds were from their dark side,complex in the deep of their mind.

Anyway,I am labelled as Japanese.
and I inherited their DNA.
I have had their culture installed.

They are crucially important factors to decide my life,but I have nothing to do with them.
I haven't voted for most of the laws to restrict me.
Families think I'm a member of them but I don't.
I can't rip off my DNA and the culture.
By using the tiny piece of the freedom,what can I do ?
How much can I be who I am ?
What's left for me ?

I wrote it pretty personally,but I hope many people can share the feeling
as their personal issue and connect themselves to this circumstances.

Lily Allen said everyone's at it.

When we were born,99% of the potential circumstances are already set.
After the birth,how far can we crawl ?
What space is left for us ?
How much are we allowed to be ourselves ?

This is what I wonder recently.

I know I should blog in the morning,while my brain cells are still active.
but the problem is,self criticism is too hard in the morning for some reason.
so I write this in the night,when I'm more relaxed and on the go.
Mostly I'm inspired when I do dishes or brush my teeth.
I make a folder to each idea in my head.
At night,I just open a folder of ideas in my head and write it in words.

Actually,intelligent / creative activity has nothing to do with "time"
kept on the clock. Sometimes GB of the ideas come within a second.
I think you have experienced the same thing.

There are 2 types of the bloggers.
1 is called "copy blogger". They search interesting articles or posts on Dig or somewhere on the internet.
and the other one is alpha blogger.They think. That's their job.I wish we could get into this side.

I like horror movies though most of them are not scary at all.
A couple of weeks ago,I saw "Predators" by DVD. I thought watching it by DVD was a good job.
It was better than I thought but much less quality from the very 1st one.
In the 1st one,the predator was absolutely strong. much stronger and cleverer. It wasn't in the same level as human beings.
That absolute gap of power marveled us and we got attracted by it.

then I wondered if something like that exists and terrors us by unexpectable way.
or they might be doing it already. That is why we are mostly frustrated and stressed.
Something much much cleverer,stronger,more evil and meaningless exists and scare us only for joy.
but we can't even sense it.
If that existence is smart enough,I don't think that's impossible.

On the other hand,I'm a type of person who looks back in anger.
but I sometimes think like "oh when she broke me off,I sighed like the end of the world,but even if I didn't sigh that much,nothing would have been changed."
Even when you see a movie,I think you sometimes feel like,oh shit,this girl cries too much.She's pretty ,will soon get another man,etc..

Like this,sometimes ignoring and just letting yourself observe how you feel could be the best way.
"Detached" might be the best word to describe it.

In Inferno of Dante,he sees a man relaxing in a burning coffin.
He's totally detached and gives no shit for god's punishment. He just lies there,and is there.
He smiles to Dante and says hello in the 7th floor of hell.

When you are detached,nobody could torture you.
Even if it is super clever and powerful.
If you are detached enough to accept your own death,
any kind of the punishment will never punish you.

but I feel scared of going to the phase for some reason.
It feels like I lose an important sense as being a human being.
I don't know.

There was a female friend.
She liked to arrange an event to make some "memory" and I used to attend her party or karaoke events that she organized.
Now they are not my memory. I only remember the fact that we did it to make a memory.
I think she thinks the same way,just secretly,but she oppresses that idea.She might be afraid of
facing the fact.

On Friday,you make a lot of plans to do during the weekend.
and when the weekend begins,you CAN'T motivate yourself to get down on it.
The more you try to do,the less motivated you are.

This is what happens to us all the time.

The more you try,the worse it gets.
but if you don't try to do it,it never be done.

Then people find their own struggling heroic.
Sometimes they even blame themselves.

I learnt a lot of the things at school.
It's not just about knowledge written on a book.
It's how my brain works.
So many people think they are bad at math.Yes,it's so challenging for some people to be interested in.
Just before the night of the test day,they stay up all night to study it.
Around 5am,they feel like they have become a math master.
and when the test starts,you find themselves completely forget about what they have been on since last dinner.

The solution is easy.Just study it one week before.not one night before.
and when you are done,just forget it.
then some part of your brain absorbs what you "learnt",digest it,and it becomes yourself.

In any cases,I think you have ambivalent feelings at once.
Haven't you imagined like you stand on the cliff.You must stand still very carefully.
but at the same time,another part of you wants to slip off on purpose.
Simple biologically,this self destructive feeling is unexplainable.
but I'm sure you have had this split feeling.

Like you stand on your 2 feet,like you see a thing with your 2 eyes,
2 or multiple perspective might be needed to get one thing done.
Love and hatred come altogether.
If you try to oppress one of them,you will have their revenge for sure.
I wish I could unite myself.This inner conflict wastes so much CPU in my head.
I think everyone has the same issue.

The only solution that I've come up with,
Intend to do it,
then forget about it,
let the sub consciousness take its own way.
Wait and see how the things go .

In most of the cases,this attempt goes successful seemingly.
but I think once it gets intentionally,our sub consciousness will find it out immediately
and start getting in the way.

Does anyone have a clue for that ?
This is why I do meditation.
and this is why I focus on raw arts to balance with photoshop s.

I always thought every religion is crazy.
1+1=2
Absolutely.
I couldn't understand why so many people still believe in God in this 21st century
and kill each other in the name of God.
What do we get from that ? Love ? No way,we need a job,not a love.Fuck.

There was an ancient queen called Himiko here in Japan.
She is supposed to be the origin of Japanese Emperor.
Anyway,they say,she boiled a turtle and "read" the future
from the cracks on it.
I used to think she did it and people believed it because they were not
properly educated.

and now,here in my company,one man has to be fired.
Nobody wants him to be fired.
It's purely from the financial reason and not because the owner is a mad sadist.

If you were the owner,how would you explain your other employees ?

You will have to say,it's because the situation is bad.

Do you think they will understand it ?
You are 100% right.The situation forces you to fire the poor guy.

THE situation is God.

Let's get back to the ancient time when the queen was alive.
Probably they were not educated like us in modern time.
but it has nothing to do with people's average IQ.

There is even a statistics to tell
the average IQ of a primitive tribe in New Guinea was higher than
the average IQ of European.
Why ?
Because they have to be smart to survive in nature.
They must learn,what grass can be eaten,what sound is a noise of a dangerous animal etc..
In contrast to it,people needed to have more efficient immune system to survive in a crowd,with cows.
There have been a lot of pests or variety is disease.
so ironically ,IQ wasn't a necessary factor to survive in civilization.

Therefore,it can be highly likely that ancient people were as smart as us or could be even smarter than us.
so why did the queen have to boil a turtle ?
She must have needed to make a hard decision.
like,there were symptoms of drought.A lot of people will die from hunger.
She has to give them a command to kill babies and old people to make fertile people survive.
In what name of,would you give them a command to kill their own babies and parents ?
It has to be a god.

Napoleon were well read.
In every war,he brought a library of books.
He made lists of the books.He categorized bible to politics.

Everything has a dark side.
There is no "perfect" government.
In other word,deciding who to die can be called government.
It's God for people to live.
It's madness for people to die.

Criticism is one of the most valuable things we can have.Mostly,it's from jealousy or stupidity.
Whichever,it means you touched someone's heart.It's a proof of your achievement.

so mostly it's better to collect as much criticism as possible for our lives.
I think internet is one of the best tools to collect their honest opinion.
When they face PC,it might be the end of a long day.They might be nervous,tired and stressed.
Whatever the reason is,internet makes people more harsh.
They say things like they don't even say in a real world being afraid of their reaction or social influence.

At the same time,it gives them chances to be more optimistic and positive.
It's also easy to collect positive support on the internet.
Whatever,it's the world of all words.Mostly we talk in English but sometimes they are from some European countries,
Latin countries or Asian nations.so Our "English" tend to be more "logical".
Words are more like symbols.Phrases are more like mathematical functions.
but we somehow communicate. I think it trains our communication ability.
When we talk on internet,we more focus on the use of words,phrases,sometimes even on timings.
Without expressions of face,gesture,tone of voice,communication 2.0 tend to be more purified I think.

I got to think this way when I talk to people who never use PC/internet and spend more time on TV.
I dare to call them TV people. They are more used to being one of the mass.They expect us to react like TV personalities.
I dare to call myself an Internet person..For me,their talking is more vague,off point,and inefficient.

I pretty much know there are a lot of exceptions. but ironically,TV people tend to ignore exceptions more likely.
Online conversation is more efficient so we can talk to more people,more personally.so we do know more people.
I find it rational to think internet people have a bigger data base. You can even read back what YOU have said before.
You have bigger data base of your own comment too.

There are a lot of arguments about if internet make us smarter or more numb.
but in terms of communication skill,which I dare to call a mental age,internet can be our engine.
TV people will be left in the history ,with old school TV broadcasting companies..
This is what I think. What is your criticism ?

I started meditation around the beginning of 2010.
It's been about a year.

I don't know why I started it.Maybe I was just curious.
From my research,yoga seems to be a part of zen.and they did yoga about 3000 years ago already,
so zen must be older than that.
and Buddha failed in yoga.He was a loser of the strict yoga class.then he invented his own original way.
but the result is the same ,whatever it is,zen,yoga,or belief in Buddhism.

It's the state of your brain.
It's like
Forget about your physical sense,
Stop thinking,
Observe thoughts,memories,ideas passing by like jet.
at this time,you feel something hard and dry on your forehead.
MRI says your frontal lobe is working very active at this timing.
and sometimes you recall really old scenes.like a stein of a floor mat that you saw when you were 2 years old etc..
at this time,your cerebellum is extraordinary active too.

In this phase,you feel like you are sleeping but awake.
You are completely awake.even more awake than normal but your body is dead.and you see yourself thinking about ideas.
You're in the back room of yourself and watching the real reality passes like jet.

Therefore,zen is a technique to see the reality.Yoga,to twist your body in a funny pose,or singing chants over and over
are attempts to do it more efficiently. Having "gods" as a religion contradicts the concept totally.
Probably Buddha needed to use the ideas of hell or heaven to shut them up in meditation.

They say,the final state of zen gets to last for the rest of your life if I try it constantly. but of course I can't get it last even longer 10 mins.
I don't twist my body in a funny shape.I don't even give shit for my breathing.I don't want it put in a fixed process like a strict rule.
I just lie on my hand made balloon bed and relax.and it comes.
No matter how you do,it shouldn't matter.It's an art to see the reality without any prejudice.

Trying zen and studying Psychology is such a strong drug to me.
I like to do it. If you find it interesting,please go ahead :)

I opened the canned fish for dinner.
I like canned fish because someone told me that's fish.Not fake disgusting something manufactured in China or somewhere.

There were 3 fish.I ate them.
I killed 3 fish only to live 8 hours or so.
and I will live much longer than 8 hours.

I wondered how many fish I need to live.

There is a food chain.
The higher you go up in the pyramid,the more food you need.
Now human beings are the top of the pyramid.Nothing eats us most of the time.
"What do I live for ?"
is one inevitable question for human beings ,I think.
The higher you go up in the pyramid,the more the question weighs in you.
Imagine to turn the pyramid upside down.
Just like the triangle,you end up having this unavoidable question like burden.

If your PC asks,
"Do you want to die without any pain just right now ?"
do you think you'll click yes ?

I think I will choose to cancel it. Why ? I don't know.

Historically,a lot of wise men were struggling to escape from this shadow.
They ended up proving earth is sphere,and even invented nuclear weapons.
Science has been successful to give us answer "How".
but we still don't know anything about "Why".

Yes,apple is red "because" it contains a lot of anthocyan.
ok,now you know "how" it looks red. but WHY it contains a lot of anthocyan.
and WHY anthocyan looks red.and WHY you wonder why?

This is how people invented religion.
Not to fall into the perfect dark in your mind,
we invented a virtual world in our minds in common.
The virtual world might not exist,but if you define what is actually going on at a real time as something to exist,
how can you deny that virtual world's existence ?
so after all,we are killing ourselves in the deep valley of the real world and the virtual world.
and that question "why do you live ?" is still there.
Nothing has changed.

I once decided to ignore this endless question.
but I think we should face this fact recently.
If you ignore that question,the question will ignore you too.
It's like
If you ignore yourself,you'll be ignored by yourself too.

When 9.11 happened ,everyone paid attention to Usama bin Ladin.
In one of his famous tapes,he wore Timex and it became a joke.

However,the legendary revolutionist Che Guevarra loved Rolex.
Is Rolex a south American brand ? Can ANYONE buy one ?
I can't ,at least.

He became a forever star of kids since he died in Bolivia.
but I don't know if it was really worth of doing.

After the revolution,he was assumed a minister of National bank.
but in short,he failed in handling the economy.
It may have been because of the economic blockade of US,but anyway,he failed.

He visited everywhere in the world as a minister but for some reason,he flew to Bolivia.
and died.

He believed in violence.He believed that was the only way to go,
but I think he should have shown the economic success of Cuba.
Shown the surprising success,everyone would have wanted to follow the way,
even without blood.
I dare to say Che Guevarra was an idiot.
He overrated the first success of violence and wished for his second success in blood.
He should have studied probability theory and statistics.

Now he is an icon of the kids who feel like they are oppressed and ignored in
the society.He is their dream projection where they can't express themselves being too shy,
socially inept,mostly they don't even know what they want but rebel against "something".

However,they have an ideal place recently.It's online game.

Probably Che wasn't an economist.He should have admitted his own weakness way sooner.
and now,Cuba and Bolivia are still poor.At least economically.

It's night time here in Japan.
I like night better than daytime. Everything looks deeper and more meaningful.

Last weekend was my birthday.
One weekend a month ago ,I thought "Argh I'm gona be older within a month."
I felt in a hurry but didn't know why and didn't even know what to do.
However now,I feel like I have changed since then.It's only a month!

Taste in music has changed.
Books I read are totally different.
Art style has changed too.

I think I opened my mouth to swallow something new.
I had never imagined that I 'd listen to Chopin.(I didn't even know how to spell it!)

Looking back past few years,now seems like the best time.
What is more,now some people seem to listen to me.

They say "web2.0" changed the world.Yes it did.
but how ? It killed "mass marketing".
They used to have to be accepted by "majority".
That was Hollywood,US top 40,20th Century Fox and Yahoo.

but now we don't have to be the same.
There are always some people for you,somewhere in the world.so you can just stay who you are.

Historically,we used to have to inherit our jobs.
Son of a hatter had to be a hatter.
After individual revolution,we had to be for "mass".
Sit in an office and get paid for hours to kill ourselves.

but now again,it's time to change.I think we should do what has to be done
just by you.

Sure staying alive is important.but for your soul,keep on doing what can be done just by you.

Among millions of options,it's hard to find what it is.
I think that's what you can't help doing.

I'm writing this.This is what I can't help doing.
I'm expecting the cycle,"Do it cuz you like it,Get better cuz you do it,then you get to like it more."

I hope that will be what they need you for.
When it's become that,I think your life will be really filled.
This is what I hope for my new year.

Even if you don't have multiple personality disorder,I've been thinking there could be multiple/numerous stakeholders in our head.
I got more sure about this idea since I read some books about pico economisc.In that concept,our mind "exists" in the trade amongst different stakeholders.
We drink too much when a short term beneficiary ownership overcomes other emotions,which may be called "impulse".
You feel pain for the same reason.Feeling pain may be considered as a temptation ,which is connected to VERY short term benefit to an emotion.
If you don't think pain is a temptation,just pinch yourself and observe your own feeling.

and recently I got a chance to read some books about C.G.Jung.
He is famous for his very unique idea of Anima,Animus,ego and unconsciousness etc..
He treated them as individual personalities of a person.I'm just a beginner of "Jung ology" so
shouldn't be talking much about his study,but I agree with him.

In one of his books,he picked an example of a neurosis man.
Jung recorded one one of his symbolic dreams,which was he was chased by something really
"evil". he escaped hard but ended up being caught and hung in the air.No matter how much he tried to run,
he was hung in the air and couldn't even move forward.

I have seen a similar dream.I think you have had too.
Jung analyzes,something "evil" that he tried to escape from was a dark side of himself.
One of his personalities that he/his circumstances treated as taboo.He oppressed that part of himself,
as everyone does.but he did it overly and it grew up to threat his ego.
He was already caught by that and tried to move out in vain.
The dream suggests this situation.

This is a common case for neurosis people.Those people give too much power to one part of himself
and the rest of himself is oppressed or ignored.In most of the cases,those parts are considered as "evil".
Jung says, the dream,and the symptom needed him to make a contract with "evil".Face,and admit the existence of it.
That means, he needs to admit he's not a good man.

This idea has something to think about.
Since I read this,I've been staring at myself and looking for "evil" to make a contract with.
What's "evil" in you ?

Even when we are no longer "disciplined" by our parents or whoever,I got to think we sometimes discipline ourselves and it can be wrong.
It might not be wrong but as the situation changes,it can be wrong after all.

I recently learnt how to use "report spam" function on variety of SNSs.lol
At some point,when I can not really recall,I got to think unliking people is a bad thing for some reason.but we are human beings.We can't love everybody.

Unliking people narrows our possibility.It's what I used to think,however,by unliking people who you don't really like,you can like / dedicate to people who you like more.
It's all up to you.

It's actually a little hard.Like last week,I kicked out a guy on DA.He was the very 1st guy who talked to me on there and left some comments. but I always thought his response made my works look "at his level" .
You know,like please imagine someone wrote a song titled "Paint it black". and if some asshole told,"No gray is better",no matter how great it is,musically,3rd party tend to focus on "Black is better ,or Gray is better" ,which is totally pointless.
This is how it can be misfocused.

You don't lose anything even if you unlike some people at the end of the day.
Please don't worry,I don't unlike you.lol If I did,I would have flagged a spam against you weeks ago. I like you all.

Monday morning.
Cold but humid,and slightly rainy.

A huge trailer fell down on the route 1.
Another trailer tried to avoid the highway jam and fell down.
2 highways ended up being stuck because of the little pieces of the steal.

A manager of city government dived into a train ,which is very traditional for Japanese.

This is how I was stuck in the comfortable bus.
I could smell the breath of the old man next to me.

Low air pressure successfully caused me a mesmerizing low blood pressure.

I got sick.

A hero shouted at the bus driver and we managed to escape to the middle of the highway.

I saw a pizza deliverer coming to a car beside the bus.

It was a pleasant walk compared to being stuck in CO2 in the whole bus,
until the old female pig sticked my glasses as she passed by.


8pm ,at a supermarket,I got a call from my office.
It told me I made a CRUCIAL mistake 6 months and 12 minutes ago and it annoys someone on the other side of the universe.
Earth must be ending tomorrow morning.

and now I'm confirming that nobody saw my art works of deviant art.
found someone left a :) mark on my journal.

Sure I flagged a spam on it.


A girl invited me to a drink.
I gave her my phone number to get successfully annoyed.
It'd have been fun to see her brown stained teeth.
got a call from someone and I hang up.

It's bed time.
Good night. Night is always good.

I've been playing chess for 24 hours without even sleeping ,eating and such and such. It had been 15 years and 2 seconds since I played chess last time.I don't know why I downloaded that chess app to my iPhone and been playing it for that long.can not explain why. I just couldn't stop it.All my honesty,It was so much fun.

I kept losing and losing.Though I hardly lose when I play with human ,I hardly defeated my phone.I clearly saw my own learning curve.My top concentration came about when it passed about 15 hours and then,I kept losing and losing.I let inertia win.

There is the world of pure logic on the black and white board.It's a simplified real world minus our art of right brain. and I was playing with a computer.Matters of the feelings or emotions have nothing to do with it at all.
It's beautiful.One bishop is on white.The other bishop is on black.One queen is on white,and the other one is on black.Through the long history and millions of the players,it's perfectly designed and sophisticated.I was mesmerized by the pure simple / perfect logical world.

As I was playing it for 24 hours with a little bit of intervals needed for biological demands ,I noted down something that could be useful for the other half of the world every time it came across in my mind.Here I note them.




1.Game makes my eyes tired.



s Natural.





2.It does not start until you take an action,whatever it is.



This is very natural too.but we hardly recognize this in everyday life.Train comes.It gets dark.You spend.You are paid.but Even if it's a tiny little change,it never comes until you move the pawn.Sure you must THINK before that.





3.There is no problem.There is just a situation.



This is a quote from the movie "Revolver" of Guy Ritchie.I have never met anyone who liked that movie but I love it ,and it also talks about chess.
We have "a problem".We feel a certain signal in our head.It must be our instinct since when we were chased by a saber tiger or had to flee starvation. but problems that we have in our modern life is not really like them.I mean,we are not a specific pawn or bishop on the board.We don't need to worry about being taken.It's not the theme of the game.





4.Nothing means a thing.



Everything has multiple meanings.It is linked to #3.You could take the knight but it might have been "a stopper" of the queen behind.Taking a knight is not the theme of the game.It's also useful to bind your enemy by their own limbs.Read the entire situation.





5.It is there because it has to be there.



Moving a pawn changes the whole situation.Everything is there because the situation requires it to be there.The next action therefore has to be aimed,designed,and thought.





6.There are a lot of "blind spots" of thought.



My advantage must have been my "creativity". and my enemy,computer's advantage must be its calculation capability.In other word,I could make a strategy but my opponent was just reading the potential scenario with the only one goal,which is to checkmate.I should have taken the initiative but I kept losing.Why? I guess it was because I try to take a strategy.There is/was no way of making a strategy.I just wanted to see a reality where I can play it strategically.My brain only collected facts to make myself "believe" that everything is going alright,when nothing was going alright.
I found my brain is completely useless to see a thing without a goggle. Whether it's a wishful thinking or a anxiety,it blinds us.We see only what we want to see.That is why we must know there is no problem,there is just a situation.Don't listen to your own inner voice.It was helpful millions of years ago but not anymore.






By my art works or blogs,I've been always telling our old instinct is not useful in modern society anymore.However,I found myself unable to evolve from a stupid monkey as I was at chess with the perfect left brain ambassador,my phone.heh
It's a symbolic world of logic but it helps me understand the world more simply.

This is another quote,but I think that's very insightful.
I like this "post".


There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read :


Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna


The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read :

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna

Outside is really windy,cold and smells like winter.
While I was staying cosy inside,I found an interesting post of someone.Sorry,this is quote.but that's nice.I hope you'll take it for your food for thought.



A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his Customer,
"This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."


The barber puts a five rupee coin in one hand and two one rupee coins(1+1=2) in the other,
then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"


The boy takes the two one rupee coins and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of
the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question?
Why did you take two one rupee coins instead of five rupee coin?"

The boy licked his cone and replied,
"Because THE DAY I TAKE THE FIVE RUPEE COIN, THE GAME IS OVER

This should be my last post of today in case tomorrow won't bring me nothing to write about.lol
Last week,a German company gave me an offer to work at Singapore.(yeah,I do know it looks like shit.I'm a forever entry level anywhere I go.)
but the money sucks,it was like 250,000JPY a month ? and one year contract,and what is more,my potential client was Microsoft. No shit.
but at first,I actually deliberated on it because it could be a chance to improve my career or whatever.

and a woman at HRD called me.

What the h is she ? She sounded like 60 years old part time worker.She only repeats what she sent by email. Even though I asked her about further things about my offered position,she says only "We need to ask the manager." so WHO ARE YOU ? Why did you call me knowing nothing about the position ?
so Singapore.
I know stereotyping is not good all the time,but from my experience,at least from my assumption as a market analyst,the first impression contains EVERY fact.Things that you find uncomfortable in the first 30 seconds will bring you the biggest troubles when it goes on.I swear.
I didn't want to hear her saying "We need to ask a manager.",when I'm alone in Singapore,without being paid,stuck in the job and the career. so I decided to sack it off.
She replied to me,

"We wish you the better luck in your career."


.."better luck" ? better than WHAT ? You don't know anything about me. no shit.
They are still recruiting numbs.Be careful.lol