Since last January,it's been an inner journey to me.
That was a complete coincidence that I met a book about primitive Buddhism.
Though my kindergarten was Buddhism,I haven't been a religious person.
but I found the monks even less religious than me.
The book was thin,but it gave me so much influences.
They say,everything is illusion.
You see a flower. but the fact is not that there is a flower.
The fact is that you think you see a flower.
Because you think the illusion is the reality,you feel anxiety and have any kinds of the mental disorder.
They say,Buddha said past has passed.Future hasn't come.Only present exists.At this very moment,you are alright.
so you don't need to worry about anything.
That reminded me of "I think,therefore I am." and Zeno's paradox as well.

As I was studying about them more,I came across the way of meditating,which is called Vipassana.
It is to observe what you are doing every moment.The purpose is to let you realize your thoughts or your feelings have nothing to do with your very self.
To study about meditation more,I got to learn a Japanese modern way of meditating,which is based on brain science.
I easily learnt how to get to nirvana state in that way.

That was also a complete coincidence that I came across the word of "trickster".
I've been interested in native american's legends. In one of their legend,I found the word.
As I googled the word,I got to C.G.Jung's study for collective sub consciousness.
Through learning his studies,I started to find similarities among Buddhism,Christianity and Islam.
They are all in search of self.They are only the difference of how to describe it.
Unrecognized fear or impulse comes out of the subconsciousness.
They are described as demon.Jesus is you to struggle in the very limited function of the consciousness.
Holy spirit is your intention to be good.Mary is your anima.

For another coincidence,I had a lot of the chances to see nice movies.
I found so many symbols in those movies too.
In fight club,Edward Norton is your ego threatened by his own sub consciousness which has been oppressed for a long time in his past life.
Brad Pitt is the symbol of his oppressed sub consciousness. It came up to the consciousness through the image of anima,who was Helena Bonham Carter.
They have a serious fight at the end. That means a inner conflict to unite your own minds.

In most of the movies,it starts from a stable state.and something happens and good man and bad man fight.
Through the hard conflict,the situation becomes totally new and glorious again.
This is a metaphor of an ideal life. Why ideal ? because so many people want to avoid the inner conflict and give in the unbalanced state between the consciousness and sub consciousness.
In some primitive tribes have custom of initiation.It's a symbol of this inner conflict.
but actually,it mustn't be a fight.You always have their revenge of sub consciousness.What's important is to recognize yourself feeling so.
Only by knowing and facing the each side of yourself,you can become your true self.
Self is what western religions define as God,is also what Eastern religions define as Tao or Nirvana or something like that.
Eschatology comes from their anticipation of death. Death is the end of everything.
The end of your self,ego,consciousness and the world that you recognize.That's the ultimate end.
Religions are projection of those inner facts and so are stories.

When I should be the happiest ,some part of me feels sad and uncomfortable sometimes.
I used to think that is my true/honest feelings. but those happy and sad feelings come together.
Good and evil must exist in your mind at the same time,to take balance. That is symbolized by god and demon.
You can't kill neither of them. All we could do is just to recognize both feelings and that should be enough.

I haven't met my doctor for about 6 weeks.In these 6 weeks,I became aware that my weak point is handling my emotion.
I got to become able to observe how I'm feeling like watching a screen.
Sat down on the chair.I was still like a stone.Contrarily,he looked so uneasy.
He kept on talking and talking to hide his own insecure feelings.
I stared at him. He was trying so hard to be a good doctor.

Jung said,when you are getting through the struggling,you can't help accepting some changes of your personality.
That will cause your relationships with others to change as well. That will be another challenge that you must get through.
In the long lonely road,you must believe in yourself,which they call God.
I believe in myself,but it doesn't mean I'm self centered,not even religious.
but I think this is the essence of every religion.