There was a female friend.
She liked to arrange an event to make some "memory" and I used to attend her party or karaoke events that she organized.
Now they are not my memory. I only remember the fact that we did it to make a memory.
I think she thinks the same way,just secretly,but she oppresses that idea.She might be afraid of
facing the fact.

On Friday,you make a lot of plans to do during the weekend.
and when the weekend begins,you CAN'T motivate yourself to get down on it.
The more you try to do,the less motivated you are.

This is what happens to us all the time.

The more you try,the worse it gets.
but if you don't try to do it,it never be done.

Then people find their own struggling heroic.
Sometimes they even blame themselves.

I learnt a lot of the things at school.
It's not just about knowledge written on a book.
It's how my brain works.
So many people think they are bad at math.Yes,it's so challenging for some people to be interested in.
Just before the night of the test day,they stay up all night to study it.
Around 5am,they feel like they have become a math master.
and when the test starts,you find themselves completely forget about what they have been on since last dinner.

The solution is easy.Just study it one week before.not one night before.
and when you are done,just forget it.
then some part of your brain absorbs what you "learnt",digest it,and it becomes yourself.

In any cases,I think you have ambivalent feelings at once.
Haven't you imagined like you stand on the cliff.You must stand still very carefully.
but at the same time,another part of you wants to slip off on purpose.
Simple biologically,this self destructive feeling is unexplainable.
but I'm sure you have had this split feeling.

Like you stand on your 2 feet,like you see a thing with your 2 eyes,
2 or multiple perspective might be needed to get one thing done.
Love and hatred come altogether.
If you try to oppress one of them,you will have their revenge for sure.
I wish I could unite myself.This inner conflict wastes so much CPU in my head.
I think everyone has the same issue.

The only solution that I've come up with,
Intend to do it,
then forget about it,
let the sub consciousness take its own way.
Wait and see how the things go .

In most of the cases,this attempt goes successful seemingly.
but I think once it gets intentionally,our sub consciousness will find it out immediately
and start getting in the way.

Does anyone have a clue for that ?
This is why I do meditation.
and this is why I focus on raw arts to balance with photoshop s.